By Shirley M. Mueller, MD

the gift of you — It is just a gift? Or is it a chance to get closer?

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The study “Give a Piece of You: Gifts That Reflect Givers Promote Closeness” challenged my assumptions about gifting. Until I encountered this research, I thought the best gifts were those that mirrored the recipient’s interests, tastes, or personality. For years, I meticulously curated butterfly-themed gifts for a friend with a well-known fondness for lepidoptera. Initially, my friend seemed delighted. Over time, however, her enthusiasm waned – a phenomenon I initially attributed to habituation, the psychological response wherein repeated exposure to a stimulus decreases its emotional impact. The surprise, joy, and freshness that accompanied my gifts dissipated as predictability set in. We both felt deflated, but I assumed the issue lay solely in the repetitiveness of the theme.

As it turns out, there was more at play. The study by Lara B. Aknin and Lauren J. Human, published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, cited above, provided a different perspective – one that highlighted a critical element of meaningful gift-giving: the importance of the gift reflecting the giver rather than solely catering to the recipient. The study consisted of six experiments exploring how different types of gifts influenced the closeness between the giver and the recipient. What the researchers discovered was both surprising and illuminating. While both gift-givers and recipients tend to believe that recipient-centric gifts (those chosen with the receiver’s inclinations in mind) are preferable, the relational benefits actually increase when a gift reflects the giver’s identity. In other words, gifts that embody the giver’s personality, interests, or values foster a stronger sense of connection and closeness than those solely tailored to the recipient’s tastes.

The researchers explained that, when a gift mirrors the giver’s self, it enhances the feeling of “self-other overlap,” a term used in psychology to describe the perceived blending of identities between individuals. In the context of gift-giving, when the gift reflects the giver’s true self, both parties experience a greater sense of mutual understanding, thus reinforcing the bond between them. In the words of Aknin and Human, “… giving a gift that reflects the giver’s true self led both givers and receivers to feel closer to one another … offering giver-centric gifts are associated with greater feelings of self-other overlap with the recipient.”

With this new understanding, I decided to break away from my habitual butterfly-themed gifts to this particular person. This year, instead of selecting yet another butterfly item—whether a scarf, notebook, or handbag—I opted for socks adorned with teapots, an object symbolic of my own interests. My love for porcelain collectibles, particularly teapots, is well-known among my friends. In fact, teapots hold a prominent place in my collection. By choosing a gift that reflects my passion, I am inviting my friend into my world, creating a connection that resonates with who I am rather than simply responding to her partialities. According to Aknin and Human’s findings, this approach should, theoretically, bring us closer together, as the gift serves as a bridge between our identities, thereby fostering a deeper sense of mutual appreciation.

Interestingly, there is also a dimension of novelty at play here, which adds another layer of psychological significance to the gift. I am breaking the established pattern. As I noted in my Psychology Today article, “Collecting: An Urge That’s Hard to Resist,” the human brain is particularly responsive to new stimuli, a phenomenon explored by Nico Bunzeck and Emrah Düzel in their study, “Absolute Coding of Stimulus Novelty in the Human Substantia Nigra/VTA.” The substantia nigra/ventral tegmental area (SN/VTA) of the brain, which is part of the dopamine system, becomes highly activated in response to novel experiences. The dopamine release associated with new stimuli is a fundamental component of the brain’s reward system. As Bunzeck and Düzel explain, “Novelty stimulates our brains because we are looking for rewards. When we see something new, we don’t know whether it will give us a reward or not, but it interests us until we find out.” By diverging from the predictable butterfly theme and choosing teapot socks, I am adding an element of surprise to the gift, which might enhance my friend’s emotional response due to the brain’s sensitivity to novelty.

Don’t become robo-gifter. Make it a reflection of you. — Donﾒt become robo-gifter. Make it a reflection of you.

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From a collector’s perspective, the act of sharing items related to one’s collection can be profoundly rewarding, as it allows collectors to express their identity and share a piece of their carefully curated world. In the context of gift-giving, by giving a gift that connects to my collection of teapots, I am not only sharing an aspect of myself but also inviting my friend into the joy I derive from collecting. This taps into an essential psychological facet of collecting: the desire to communicate, even in symbolic form. This is especially poignant for individuals who collect unique or highly specialized items; sharing such items allows them to introduce others to a niche that holds personal significance. As my friend receives the teapot-themed socks, she is accepting a token of the world I inhabit as a collector, an insight into my interests and values.

In a broader sense, this approach to gift-giving speaks to the power of authenticity in social interactions. For anyone who is a collector, this approach offers a meaningful opportunity to share the joys and nuances of their collecting with others.

References

Lara B. Aknin, Lauren J. Human, 2015, “Give a piece of you: Gifts that reflect givers promote closeness,” Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, Volume 60, Pages 8-16.

Shirley M. Mueller, M.D., is known for her expertise in Chinese export porcelain and neuroscience. Her unique knowledge in these two areas motivated her to explore the neuropsychological aspects of collecting, both to help herself and others as well. This guided her to write her landmark book, Inside the Head of a Collector: Neuropsychological Forces at Play. In it, she uses the new field of neuropsychology to explain the often-enigmatic behavior of collectors. Shirley is also a well-known speaker. She has shared her insights in London, Paris, Shanghai, and other major cities worldwide as well as across the United States. In these lectures, she blends art and science to unravel the mysteries of the collector’s mind.